I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
