I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
