I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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