I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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