The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
