I want to walk on stilts...naked
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MIDGETS
????
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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