I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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