Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
