My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm just crazy horny about you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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