even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i've created a new STD.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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