but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
