So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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