he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
