forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
