Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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