I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Randomize
