I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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