I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
