Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Randomize
