I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
