I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
