so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
