I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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