I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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