Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
40s are totally the cure
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You are a genius and a whore.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
