If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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