I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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