I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
