so that wasnt chicken after all
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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