if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
