She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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