i think my tv is drunk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This toilet bowl is my home.
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