I think i peed on brittanys purse
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
