i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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