So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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