Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Randomize
