That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
