Moan for me like Helen Keller
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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