That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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