1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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