my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
