I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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