My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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