I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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