sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
