I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
