I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
