I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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