Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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