whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize