i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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