her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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