I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
