In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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