Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
